Conflict. No one wants it. That’s why it’s often sidestepped rather than resolved — but it doesn’t need to be. In and of itself, conflict is neither good nor bad. A conflict is simply a situation in which there are differing interests, perspectives or needs. And with eight billion of us on the planet, it’s entirely natural that we don’t always agree.
Unfortunately, conflict is often seen as something that must be avoided. Sometimes, however, conflict is necessary to help people reach better solutions. And sometimes, it helps people to understand each other better and discover mistakes.
Words can hurt
In teams, conflicts can be damaging. No real weapons are involved, but language can often be a more harmful weapon than a tangible one. Words can kill relationships in seconds. One famous conflict is often cited in seminars and workshops: there’s only one orange available. Albert wants the orange because he needs the peel to bake a cake. Brenda also wants the orange because she wants to make freshly squeezed orange juice. They both want the fruit, but there’s just one orange.
Now that you know the orange story, you may be thinking that the answer is obvious: give Albert the peel and Brenda the juice. You don’t need more than one orange. What’s the big deal?
Of course, that’s the ideal solution. Albert and Brenda would certainly agree. Nonetheless, chances are high that they wouldn’t arrive at that solution without assistance.
This is a hypothetical example of how conflict can stem from nothing. It starts with one person seizing an object and declaring that their need for it is more important than anyone else’s, while the other person does the same. Emotions are involved: anger, sadness, rage, satisfaction — as well as the feeling of being treated unfairly or the desire to be right.
When emotions are involved, we tend to be less reasonable. Emotions cloud our judgement, making us more likely to focus on ourselves rather than consider other points of view. It would help a lot to listen to what others have to say, but in situations like these, we may hear their words without truly listening.
At times like this, it is helpful to structure your conversation. Controlled dialogue is a simple basis for conversation — simple but difficult at the same time. Potentially, everybody benefits, because following a clear structure:
- calms us down
- helps us to feel safe
- gives us the chance to pause and take a deep breath — always a good thing in a moment of conflict.
What does this structure look like?
Imagine Albert and Brenda are in the middle of their argument. Albert says he needs the orange — he wants the peel for his cake. Brenda listens to Albert’s first argument, which itself is quite an achievement, as many would have interrupted after the word “orange”. Then, Brenda replies, saying: “OK, you need the orange to bake the cake.” She paraphrases Albert’s argument, repeating his statement in her own words. Afterwards, she would voice her own argument, saying that she thinks she should have the orange, because she needs it to make juice.
If Albert follows the same structure, he’ll also paraphrase Brenda’s statement: “OK, you’re saying you want the orange to make juice.” From there, the conversation deepens and develops as Albert adds his second argument.
As I said, this little technique isn’t easy when emotions are running high, but it gives us time to listen, consider and evaluate. And that improves the chances that the conflict will be resolved peacefully. It works with more complex issues, too.
Learning to listen
If I’m honest, controlled dialogue doesn’t always solve the conflict, at least not directly. Sometimes, a solution can’t be reached at all. But in every single case, it does at least improve three important things.
- People understand each other (and their individual motivations) much better.
- Conflicts are more likely to remain matter-of-fact and not get personal.
- People listen to one another and feel listened to. Even if they can’t agree, at least they don’t feel ignored or blindsided.
For leaders, the ability to listen to their teams is all the more important in an age of constant distractions. When I first ran this exercise in a team workshop, I was amazed at how difficult many people found it simply to repeat what the other person had just said. So, I joined in and had a similar experience: sometimes, it is hard to repeat what others have said. Why is that? It’s because I was in a world of my own, busy preparing my next argument and not paying attention to what was being said.
Practise positive habits
Try this exercise with your team. Let them choose a controversial topic. One group argues the pros; the other the cons. Exchange arguments, one at a time, using the controlled-dialogue technique.
Afterwards, ask people how they felt. They’ll probably tell you that it felt good to be heard, or that it reassured them that the others were really listening. Some might object to the structure or question it. They may ask whether it’s important to preface the sentence with “OK”. The answer is yes, for two reasons: “OK” doesn’t mean you agree, but expresses that you’ve heard and understood. Second, it’s a positive alternative to “no”, which we hear so often in conflicts.
There are also people who question the methodology, saying that no one really speaks like this and that it sounds artificial. In such situations, I typically apply the technique while answering their question to demonstrate the benefits of the structure.
“OK,” I say, “you think that it sounds artificial, but how did it help in discussing a controversial topic?” Most people can then understand what I’m doing.
I recommend that all leaders practise controlled dialogue with team members. Practice will make it become a habit, second nature. This helps improve communication, relationships — and conflict situations.