Let's start with what a people-pleaser is not. It's not someone who's too nice and wants everyone to be happy. Really, people-pleasing is an unconscious strategy to organize the reaction of another person into something tolerable.
I have identified four types of people-pleasers. "The Classic" wants everything to be perfect. Nothing is too much trouble, and they thrive on the appreciation they get when they've done more than their share (again). "The Shadow" is a little different.They make a great deputy and get their validation from helping others achieve. The third type is "the Pacifier", driven not by pleasing as much as by not displeasing. They are the mediators in a group. The fourth type doesn't sound like a pleaser at all. This is "the Resistor", the one who doesn't seem to care what you think. In reality, they also feel pressure to please but have realized, if you don't play, you can't lose. They keep people at arm's length.
Setting boundaries
Small-scale experiments are great when you're cutting back on people-pleasing behaviour. Start with people you trust, or with relationships that don't feel so important, and see how people react when you state your preferences. You might be surprised to find that your authentic self is already unconditionally OK with people who matter, or you might need to go back and renegotiate if you don't get it quite right the first time. That's OK, too. Relationships are all about rupture and repair. Remember that if people are happy with you only when you're people-pleasing them, the end of that relationship might not be the wrong result.
We can set boundaries in professional situations by learning that we don't have to get it right the first time. My clients often say: "It's too late. I've agreed to my manager's request" or "They are used to me accepting everything. I can't change that now." You can return to something you've already agreed to and renegotiate the terms to include a boundary. You might say: "When I said yes, what I should have said was ‘yes, but I'll need help or we'll need to extend the deadline'." Or you might rehearse some responses for when you need them. For example, "It's not a no, but it is ‘not now'" or "I'd love to say yes, but I know that I'm at capacity already and I don't want to let you down later." People can only respect boundaries if you set them.
About Emma Reed Turrell...
Emma Reed Turrell is a psychotherapist and the author of Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live. She’s working on a second book: What Am I Missing?, which deals with our blind spots
| Word | Translation | Phonetics | SearchStrings |
|---|---|---|---|
| thrive on sth. | mit etw. gedeihen; hier: etw. brauchen | [θraɪv] | thrive on |
| appreciation | Anerkennung | [Əˌpriːʃiˈeɪʃən] | appreciation |
| deputy | Stellvertreter(in) | deputy | |
| validation | Bestätigung | validation | |
| pacifier | Friedensstifter(in); hier: Schlichter(in) | [ˈpæsɪfaɪƏ] | Pacifier |
| driven: ~ by sth. | (an)getrieben durch etw. | driven | |
| resistor | etwa: Person, die Widerstand leistet | Resistor | |
| keep sb. at arm’s length | jmdn. auf Distanz halten | ||
| small-scale | in geringem Umfang; hier: kleiner | Small-scale | |
| cut back on sth. | etw. einschränken, verringern | ||
| renegotiate | neu verhandeln | [ˌriːnɪˈgƏʊʃieɪt] | renegotiate |
| rupture | Bruch; Entzweiung | [ˈrʌptʃƏ] | rupture |
| repair | hier: Versöhnung | repair | |
| boundary | Grenze | ||
| terms | hier: Konditionen | terms | |
| rehearse sth. | etw. einüben | [riˈhɜːs] | rehearse |
| capacity: be at ~ | ausgelastet sein | capacity | |
| let sb. down | jmdn. enttäuschen | ||
| blind spot | toter Winkel; hier: Schwachpunkt |