The talent acquisition team are here, Mr Powers,” Paddy’s assistant said as he entered the headquarters of Underworld Inc. “It sounds like business is bad. I ordered doughnuts for the coffee break to help the mood a bit.”
Paddy nodded. “Thanks, Miss Jezebel. We’re going to need them.” He went over to a mirror, straightened his tie, brushed the shoulders of his suit and pushed a lock of hair behind his polished horns.
“Wicked?” he asked.
“Super wicked, Mr Powers,” answered Miss Jezebel. “Especially the tie. Armani?”
Paddy winked and went into the conference room.
The atmosphere was not good. The “Seven Deadly Sins” — as the talent acquisition team were described in company brochures — were sitting, or (in the case of Sloth) lying, around the table looking depressed. Paddy straightened his shoulders, put on his confident smile and went to the head of the table.
“Ladies,” he said, nodding to Lust and Envy, who were whispering to each other about the others behind their hands. “Gentlemen,” he continued, looking at Greed, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride and Sloth (who was now nearly asleep). “Shall we begin? It’s November. How many souls have you collected so far this year?”
Underworld Inc. was always looking to new talent. Competition with their main rival, Heaven PLC, was fierce, but in normal years, results were about even. However, this year, the numbers were terrible.
“We’ve got two problems,” began Wrath.
“Only two?” interrupted Envy. “What about… ?”
“SHUT UP!” screamed Wrath, giving Envy a filthy look. He took a deep breath, counted to ten and continued: “We’re focusing on the millennials and Gen Z at the moment. Gen X and boomer souls have mostly already been won or lost, so those 20 to 40-year-olds are where the big numbers are. And the first problem is that they’re idealists.”
“Idealists?” asked Paddy, concerned. As team leader, his bonus depended on hitting targets and the CEO, Sir Lucifer Beelzebub, could be unpleasant if numbers were low.
“Well, darling, take casual sex,” purred Lust, leaning forward towards Paddy so his eyes disappeared down her décolleté. “The statistics clearly show that they just aren’t as interested as past generations were.”
“What about our investment in dating apps?” Paddy asked. “Surely, they make hooking up easier.”
“Useless,” answered Sloth, raising his head from the table. “I heard that it takes 60 swipes on Tinder to find one half-decent looking candidate. Who’s got time for that?”
“It’s the same for all of us,” continued Greed. “They’re not into consumerism like in the good old days. Kim Kardashian is history. It’s all bloody Greta Thunberg…”
“Refreshments!” said Miss Jezebel, pushing a trolley with coffee and doughnuts into the room. “Spoil yourselves. With these, it would be a sin not to.”
“Thank you, Miss Jezebel,” Paddy began. “Could you pass me a doughnut before… ?” But they were too late. Everybody stared at Gluttony, who was quietly licking his fingers.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “Did you want some? Silly me.”
Paddy sighed.
“The second problem is worse, though,” continued Pride, looking down his nose at them. “The Angel Gabriel has taken over the HR departments of most companies.”
“How do you mean?”
“He’s launched all these annoying HR programmes to get people to behave better at work. No dating anybody from the office. No bottle of Scotch in the bottom drawer of your desk. Anger-management courses the moment anybody raises their voice. Vegan Christmas parties. It’s impossible to get anybody to misbehave any more.
“I nearly had a hedge fund manager the other day,” said Greed sadly. “She got a bonus, and I hoped she’d buy a Porsche or something. But she just gave the money to some children’s reading project.”
“Well,” said Paddy, “we need to escalate.”
****
Now, what people don’t realize is that the expression “we need to escalate” is based on something real. Between Heaven PLC and Underworld Inc., there is a long escalator for when members of the two organizations want to visit each other. So, Paddy took the escalator up to Heaven PLC.
At the gates, he rang the bell, and after going through security, was taken to see the Chairman on his marble throne. Angel Gabriel fluttered about, wearing glasses and carrying a clipboard. He looked pleased with himself.
“Ah, Mr Powers,” boomed the Chairman. “I hear nobody’s joining your organization any more. Does this mean,” he winked at Gabriel, “you’re going to get… hell-fired?” He roared with laughter and Gabriel giggled.
“Very funny, Chairman,” said Paddy. “Actually, I wanted to congratulate you. You’re well on the path to eliminating evil and shutting down Underworld Inc. I’m sure Gabriel’s planned for the consequences.”
“Consequences?” the Chairman asked.
“Well, accommodation, for example, Chairman. Where will you put all these extra souls?”
Gabriel looked uncomfortable.
“…and religion, Chairman,” Paddy continued. “If we’re out of business, you are, too. Who is going to build churches and sing your praises if people don’t need to show how good they are?”
The Chairman scratched his head. He knew about human laziness.
“Don’t listen, Chairman!” squeaked Gabriel. “He’s trying to cause trouble.”
“Not at all,” Paddy answered. “It’s just that I have a proposal…”
****
A short time later, Paddy took the escalator back down again. On the way, he got out his phone and called the office.
“Send an email, Miss Jezebel. Tell the team we have a deal, so no more excuses. I want them out there causing the merriest Christmas the world has ever seen…”
----
LANGUAGE NOTE
In English, the seven deadly sins (sieben Todsünden) are:
1. Envy (Neid)
2. Gluttony (Völlerei)
3. Greed (Gier)
4. Lust (Wollust)
5. Pride (Hochmut)
6. Sloth (Faulheit)
7. Wrath (Zorn)