Intimacy is rarely discussed when talking about leadership. For many, it suggests something too personal, even unprofessional. This is partly because one definition of “intimate” implies a close, possibly sexual relationship. Yet, “intimacy” has many shades of meaning. “Customer intimacy”, for example, simply implies an in-depth knowledge of a customer’s goals, needs, preferences and context.
The concept of intimacy provokes important questions. How much of ourselves do we wish to reveal? How much of others do we wish to explore? Should we continue to collaborate with relative strangers? Or do we want to encounter people more deeply and as they truly are — complex, fascinating, enlightening and sometimes needing our help but fearful to ask?
Expectations of intimacy
One of the main challenges when it comes to intimacy is that people have very different expectations. Perhaps due to a complex history with their parents, some individuals develop a psychological fear of intimacy. Others display introversion, favouring the inner world of thinking and imagination over the outer world of dialogue and interaction. Culture can also be a factor, with environments such as IT and finance typically being less person-centric than sales and marketing are. National cultures may play a role, too. People from task-oriented countries, such as Germany, may, in general, favour low emotional connectivity — at least until competence and reliability have been established. And low intimacy is even a requirement in many organizations now: compliance policies forbid romantic relationships between direct colleagues or between managers and direct reports.
It is important, therefore, to respect the psychological needs and cultural norms of others. If you try to establish deep intimacy against others’ expectations, this can cause others to feel that you are being impolite — and may be seen as unprofessional. On the other hand, choosing a low intimacy style may lead to perceptions of coldness and arrogance, and to resistance from those with a high intimacy preference.
Core competencies
There are four core competencies that are needed to build intimacy in a situationally intelligent way.
1. Understand intimacy preferences
Your starting point is to diagnose people’s personal intimacy preferences:
People with a low intimacy style are generally quiet in professional contexts. They talk when talk is needed to provide information or to support decision-making. Their tone is often serious, with little use of humour or small talk. They can be direct, both when giving opinions and responding to others. Their focus is on data rather than emotions. They will seldom spontaneously share private information.
People with a high intimacy style are generally more talkative. They thrive on interaction and are proactive in offering both relevant and, potentially, less relevant professional information. Their tone is often light, with frequent use of humour. They are careful not to offend others and thus use indirect language when giving opinions and responding to others. They will often share both personal and professional information about themselves and ask questions to know more about others across both dimensions.
Task/questions: On a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high), score your intimacy level and that of key colleagues and stakeholders. Where do you see similarities and differences? How might you manage differences? (See our ideas later in the article.)
2. Understand intimacy domains
There are a number of key intimacy domains. In each domain, it is possible to explore deeply held beliefs and values, personal experiences, feelings and emotions. Doing so can deepen the sense of shared identity — the “we” — that characterizes intimacy and productive relationships:
Business intimacy: Conversations focus here on topics such as current market trends, company performance, innovation, strategic direction, etc. This is an excellent starting point for people with both low and high intimacy styles to explore, share and reveal their perspectives, professional identity and priorities.
Challenge intimacy: The emphasis here is on developing a deeper connection around daily challenges, concerns and anxieties. This domain blends an emotional focus with a task focus. People can reveal their core values in relation to leadership, collaboration and efficiency, as well as feelings of worry, vulnerability and uncertainty. This allows bonding and intimacy to grow.
Career intimacy: This is another relatively safe area, involving thoughts about one’s career history, current roles and responsibilities that are enjoyable or frustrating, and thoughts about future roles. Conversations can quickly reveal one’s professional and personal motivations, such as financial success or work-life balance. And this can lead to deeper understanding and intimacy.
Social intimacy: Conversations about this domain can lead to enthusiastic and fun discussions about hobbies and passions. While the tone of conversations is often light, care is needed, as people’s free time is often linked to sensitive family obligations or relationship preferences.
Private intimacy: High intimacy topics include things such as relationships, health, conflicts at work, etc. It may be better to wait for others to signal their willingness to step into this zone rather than forcing it by expressing your own experiences.
Questions: Which intimacy domains are you most comfortable with, and why? What questions could you ask to deepen intimacy in each domain? (See also our list of questions on page 39.)
3. Choose the right channels
Work is in a new hybrid phase, in which face-to-face contact is reduced. This may not seem to bode well for intimacy. Contact via virtual platforms tends to be more transactional. Less time is given to personal topics or the unplanned conversations that we associate with creating intimacy.
Some leaders are now organizing events in offices to encourage social connectivity, fun and bonding. Others are discovering that remote communication can have advantages: we don’t need to meet in person to have intimate discussions. Also, leaders can make themselves available remotely much more easily to international team members. They can also have private conversations with team members away from the prying eyes of colleagues in the office. This can also foster intimacy, as can encountering people in their domestic environments with the help of virtual communication.
Questions: How effectively have you used hybrid working to increase the levels of intimacy at work? What more could you do?
4. Take a learning approach
It is difficult to know whether we are working at the optimal level of intimacy. We need to learn as we go. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to reflect on and adapt your approach:
What level of intimacy is my counterpart trying to establish with me?
Observe whether others talk about “distant” topics relating to business or about more social and personal topics. Also, observe their communication style. Is it intimate, with warmth, humour and informality, or is it sooner distant, neutral and formal? And how do they respond to your questions? Expansively, adding new information, or more precisely and narrowly?
Who — if anybody — should adapt their communication?
If you notice a difference in intimacy styles, think about who should adapt to the other person: you, your counterpart or neither of you? Reflect on your preferred level of intimacy and your motivation for that level. How flexible are you in adapting your approach — both the topics to be discussed and your communication style — rather than expecting your counterpart to adapt? It may even be helpful to discuss preferences explicitly with your counterpart and simply acknowledge your different styles and needs.
Techniques to increase intimacy
These three techniques can help to increase intimacy in your relationships if that is what you think is appropriate:
Offer support. Find ways to help people with their challenges. As people accept help, they expose their vulnerability, needs and fears.
Give feedback. Sensitive, critical feedback in particular can significantly stimulate intimacy. As people sense that you are able to provide useful insights and solutions, they may open themselves more as a route to self-improvement.
Connect people to your network. Sometimes, the most important part of who we are is who we know. Introducing others to useful contacts is a great way to deepen your intimacy with them.