Leaders usually rate their level of technical excellence, the expertise needed to do their job, very highly. Ask the same managers about their emotional excellence, however, and their answers are much less confident. Most business professionals don’t see themselves as experts at handling the emotional inner worlds of their co-workers.
Those inner worlds, however, have become more important in the past couple of years. Worldwide, Gallup surveys suggest that 2020 was the most stressful year in recent history. And having lived through more than two years of a pandemic, we’ve seen rising inflation, financial uncertainty — and then war and unimaginable suffering in Ukraine. People’s emotional states are understandably more delicate than usual right now.
Leaders are aware of this. A 2021 report by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development showed that 75 per cent of top leaders have well-being on their agendas and are planning to learn new skills to manage employees’ psychological balance. Emotional competence needs both soft and hard skills. Emotions significantly influence employees’ abilities to perform. The question is not if leaders should develop emotional expertise, but how and how fast.
Understand emotions
Robert Plutchik, a writer and thinker on emotion, has identified eight basic emotions: joy, trust, surprise, disgust, anticipation, fear, sadness and anger. While naming emotions is relatively easy, understanding them is far more challenging. Perhaps this is why, when we see a colleague who is obviously upset, many of us aren’t sure how to react. We may fear awkwardness and feel embarrassed.
Most leaders feel sympathy for their co-workers and are also in a position of responsibility, so seeing one of them cry may cause mixed emotions:
- They may want to solve the problem right away, but often don’t know what the problem is.
- They are worried that they might have caused this person to be upset.
- They fear this may be a sign of a bigger problem and that the situation could escalate.
- Not knowing the reason, they decide the person is simply sad or perhaps overemotional.
Of course, crying is an involuntary reaction to powerful emotions (not necessarily bad) and it can happen at work as easily as anywhere else. Handling these situations requires some emotional intelligence and control. First, understand that seeing another person cry affects us. At the same time, it’s important to control our own emotions. We’ll be better able to help if we remain calm.
Here are a few helpful things to remember:
- Don’t tell people what to do. Advice is well intentioned, of course, but being told what to do is the opposite of feeling in control. Instead, ask questions. For example: “Would you like to take a break?” “What can I do to help?”
- Don’t make assumptions. People cry for many different reasons, and sometimes, a person may not be able to express clearly why they’re upset. Use neutral language: “Let’s take a moment. Can you tell me what’s upsetting you?”
- Don’t make judgements. Some may try to make a person feel better by saying something like: “It’s not worth crying over.” However, this is the same as telling someone they should not be feeling what they’re feeling. And it may sound like you are not taking that person seriously.
It makes sense to be prepared for moments when emotions run high. The emotional trigger might be work-related, but the real source may lie outside work. Or there may be a number of smaller things that, in combination, become overwhelming. Whatever the situation, everyone could benefit from a working environment that helps people manage their emotions.
1. Create a safe place
Emotions are fundamental to who we are, always influencing thought and behaviour, often unconsciously. Unfortunately, many workplaces prioritize technical expertise while emotions are not expressed. Amy Edmondson popularized the term “psychological safety”. In her book The Fearless Organization, she says leaders must cultivate a working environment in which people needn’t be perfect, mistakes and frustrations can happen, and emotions can be expressed and explored. Remember that simply expressing feelings can help — even if you can’t change the situation. When team members understand how others feel, it leads to a more respectful and motivating environment.
2. Engage with emotions
To engage with emotions, empathizing and supporting are key leadership skills. Empathy is based on listening, so focus on what people say, ask questions for understanding and allow others to express themselves. Recognition and validation are important, too. Contradiction or suggesting that something didn’t happen as the other person expresses it is the enemy of empathy. Many leaders don’t allow enough conversation time for team members to fully express how they feel. Consider having regular one-to-one meetings, which have no agenda but offer a chance for team members to talk and to be heard. If appropriate, it’s also a chance to give supportive feedback.
3. Learn from emotions
Emotions can bind us to patterns of behaviour that are difficult to change. For team members with volatile emotions, leaders need to integrate emotional targets into their personal development plans and have regular conversations around feelings. This way, team members can develop emotional skills — e.g., to recognize their triggers, to work with guidelines of good behaviour — and see their progress in handling emotions.
These are emotionally challenging times. Leaders with emotional expertise can better support their staff. Importantly, studies show that if managers have a high emotional quotient (EQ), their employees are less likely to leave. Emotional expertise is good both for people and for business.