Do you think you’re a good listener? It’s a skill we need all the time, yet most people have probably never had any advice on how to do it well. In work meetings, friendly chats and more intimate conversations, we “hear”, but do we really “listen”? Misunderstandings, confusion, frustration, offence… all these can happen when we don’t listen properly.
Here, we present some practical tips for better communication in any language – with phrases to use when you’re listening in English. The phrases we present are for all levels of English – easy, medium and advanced – so you can pick the one you feel most comfortable with.
Listen and… WAIT!
If we’re already thinking about what we’re going to say next, then we’re not truly listening. We might miss the details of what the other person is saying or, more likely, miss the subtext or what is not being said explicitly.
Tip
Try to wait until the other person has finished speaking before you start to formulate your reply. This allows you to listen with more focus. It can feel odd at first, but it can stop you jumping in too quickly with a response.
Listen and… CHECK!
You can’t have a meaningful conversation if you’re confused or don’t understand. If you’re not sure what the other person is saying, just ask.
Phrases to use
- Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you say that again?
- Sorry, when you said “…”, what did you mean, exactly?
- Sorry, I’m not quite following you. What do you mean by “…”?
Listen and… REPEAT!
Even if you think you’ve understood, it’s useful to check – you may have totally misunderstood, only half-understood or missed something important.
Phrases to use
- Do you mean…?
- Can I check I’ve understood? I think you’re saying…
- If I’ve understood you correctly, what you’re saying is…
Tip
Try using a technique called “active listening”, which is used in relationship therapy. The listener paraphrases what they’ve heard. If the speaker agrees that that’s what they wanted to say, the conversation can move on. If not, the speaker should explain again, until they feel confident that the listener really does understand.
Listen and… ENCOURAGE!
No one wants to talk into a silent void at the other end of the phone – the speaker will start to think you’ve fallen asleep or wonder whether the phone line has gone dead. In a face-to-face situation, you can nod or lean forward to show you’re listening. On the phone, you can make encouraging noises such as “Oh”, “Really?” or “OK”. If the speaker stops talking, but you feel there’s more to be said, you can ask a follow-up question, or check whether they’ve finished.
Phrases to use
- Is there anything else?
- Did you want to say anything else?
- Is there anything else you wanted to get off your chest?
Listen and… GET BACK ON TRACK!
If the conversation is interrupted, or goes off in another direction, you can get it back on track.
Phrases to use
- Sorry, where were we?
- Sorry, we got distracted. You were saying…?
- Sorry, we got a bit sidetracked there. Do go on with what you were saying.
Listen… TO EVERYONE!
Listening is more complicated in a group, where one or two voices can dominate. Try to make sure everyone has the chance to speak if they want to.
Phrases to use
- What about you, Jane?
- Would you like to say anything, Jane?
- Was there anything you’d like to add to the conversation, Jane?
Tip
Recognize that a group session isn’t always comfortable for everyone – breaking up into smaller groups or pairs reduces the stress. In a video-conference, you can suggest creating “breakout rooms” for more intimate conversations. In person, you can disappear into the kitchen, for example, for a quiet chat.
Listen… AND LOOK?
Eye contact is a tricky matter. If you have your eyes on anything else – your phone, your laptop or the view out of the window – it’s just plain rude. You give the speaker the message that you’re not interested and that you’d rather be somewhere else. Obviously, you want to show that you’re paying attention, but you should also avoid staring at your conversation partner as if they’re reading the TV news – that’s uncomfortable for both of you.
Tip
For difficult conversations, try to find a time when you don’t have to sit face-to-face staring at each other. It’s easier to talk and listen when you’re walking or doing a simple task like making coffee.
Listen and… DON’T GIVE ADVICE!
One of the biggest mistakes people make in conversations is to offer unwanted advice. Your friend moans about his teenage son and you dive in with a lot of parenting advice from your own experience or from the internet. This might make you look like a great parent, but it makes your friend feel awful. And your friend probably already knows the solution; they just wanted to let off steam. Your advice can easily sound patronizing and be unhelpful. A better technique is to ask your conversation partner some questions to help guide them to their own solutions.
Phrases to use
- What can you do?
- Is there anything that you do that makes it easier?
- Do you have any ideas how you can move forward?
Tip
If someone is talking about a medical problem, remember that you’re unlikely to give better advice than they’ve already received from their doctor. It’s better to offer empathy and practical support, rather than amateur medical advice.
Listen and… REMEMBER!
A thoughtful person remembers what people have told them and asks about it when they next meet. It makes your conversation partner feel valued and important.
Tip
It’s often helpful to make some short notes after a conversation – especially in a work context, but even if it’s just with friends or family. A quick note that your neighbour has a new grandchild, or your colleague’s cat is ill, for example, will remind you to follow up on these topics the next time you speak.
Listen and… SAY THANK YOU!
Sometimes, people just want to be heard. They don’t want your thoughts or opinions or advice. They just need to let it all out and get it off their chest. If there’s nothing else to say, you can always just say thank you.
Phrases to use
- Thank you for telling me.
- I’m glad you shared that with me.
- I appreciate being taken into your confidence.
Listen and… QUESTION YOUR MOTIVATION!
When it’s your turn to talk, be honest with yourself. What’s really motivating you to speak? Is it about the other person, to show them that you understand what they’re saying? Or is it about you? Are your comments going to be helpful?
Tip
Whenever you open your mouth, ask yourself: “Why am I talking?”
Listen and… LISTEN SOME MORE!
Do you know the saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason”? It reminds us to listen more than we speak. Of course, it depends on the situation, but a good tip is to aim to listen more than you talk.