Have you noticed that the more we argue, the harder we hold on to some beliefs? We can see this on social media, where discussions quickly become heated. We see it in political life, where there seems to be less and less room for compromise. And we’ve certainly seen it in the pandemic, on questions of masks and vaccines.
When confronted with a problematic attitude to an issue, it’s easy to dismiss the person with that attitude as “an idiot”. But this won’t lead to a change of heart. For that, you need a more subtle approach.
Expressions in context
Don and Carol have met for coffee and are chatting about their workplace. Don goes to the office every day. Carol works from home, going to the office once or twice a week. As you read their conversation, try to identify what Carol does to try to change Don’s mind.
Don: I don’t see why you’re still working from home. We’re all back, and it’s much better for everyone.
Carol: It certainly must be easier to get everyone together for meetings.
Don: Right.
Carol: But there’s still the risk of spreading the virus, isn’t there?
Don: We have to live with that.
Carol: I agree. But what can we do to lower the risks?
Don: Just be a bit more careful in our social interactions.
Carol: Like wearing masks on trains and buses?
Don: Yes. That’s what I mean. But we can still go into work.
Carol: Didn’t you like working from home when you had to do it?
Don: I missed the people, and my flat is too noisy to work in.
Carol: I can understand that. But are you saying it’s OK for people to work from home if they like it and have a good workspace?
Don: I suppose so. But they should go into the office when they can.
Carol: That’s what I do. We’ve even started a hot-desking system.
Carol and Don clearly have different views, but she’s not confrontational. She starts by seeing something positive in Don’s position. She asks questions to understand his reasons. Then, she agrees with some of his ideas and puts forward her position as if it were his idea. Don finally modifies his position.
If we were entirely rational, changing our beliefs would be a simple matter of presenting a logical argument supported by evidence. In reality, this rarely happens. Plenty of research shows that people generally examine evidence with bias. We easily accept evidence that’s consistent with our views, but we scrutinize contradictory evidence intensely.
Carol doesn’t make factual statements. She tries to understand Don’s view by asking questions, and she allows him to persuade himself to adopt a more tolerant viewpoint.
Give change a chance
Here are a few more ideas on how to get someone to change their mind.
Stay calm and be nice
If someone feels attacked, they may think their judgement is being questioned. Be kind and go into the discussion with the aim of making or keeping a friend.
Listen
Avoid jumping to conclusions. Focus on listening and paraphrase what the other person says. Let them do most of the talking.
Avoid facts
Most people go on instinct rather than evidence. Admit your own ignorance and allow room for doubt. By asking for specifics and questioning details, you’ll see how sure the other person feels, and they may also realize the limits of their knowledge and moderate their views.
Use a scale
Ask your partner to rank their confidence. For example: “On a scale of one to ten, how confident are you that this is true?” Most people won’t say ten as that makes them sound like an extremist. If, for example, they say eight, ask why they didn’t say nine. Now, they’ll think of arguments against their own view.
Don’t attack beliefs
Remember that beliefs are about values and identity, rather than objective truth. So, ask why the person thinks a certain way and why that’s important to them. Focus on the validity of the reasoning process by asking questions.
Tell a story
A story is memorable, understandable and emotional. It should be about an individual with whom the listener can identify and about the issue under discussion. It should also be positive and told with conviction, so that the listener not only listens to but lives the story.
All these ideas presume that, in any disagreement, your idea is the correct one. But what if it isn’t? What if you’re the one with the problematic attitude? Changing someone’s mind isn’t easy. Changing your own may be even harder.